why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness

Notice when you are catering to the needs of others. but dont believe it. If you want someone to understand you, speak up. Unless you are writing a novel or a screenplay, using your imagination to spin tales that are outrageous, hurtful, or even horrifying can be harmful to your sanity and peace of mind. I thought it was going to be a historical documentary and was amazed to find it was the story of my family. Why cant I? Everyone else seems just fine but me.. SHE is the queen and should be chauffeured around, yada yada. These are opportunities to pivot, to hit our knees and fully surrender. Emotional validation is the process of learning about, understanding, and expressing acceptance of another person's emotional experience. These bad habits may seem like they relieve stressand they may indeed relieve stress in the short runbut they are false friends. They start avoiding sensitive topics, constructive feedback, frustrations, and conflictual tensions in the relationship in order to avoid hurting each other. Video here. You stop listening from a comfortable, open position because once you start hearing your partners pain, you immediately start thinking, What did I do this time? Then we suffer if we cant. Use a little bit of his empty shelf space for a few of your things, finish the show you're watching when he comes in the room, etc. As far as the 'suicide threat' goes, it's bs, you know that. Dad proceeded to go downhill, falling & breaking his hip in 2014. She is a real Debbie-downer personality to begin with, always has been. That is unavoidable and natural. We have to trust that no one will change until they want to be changed. It really is on her to change - if you try to pacify her, it would be very temporary and would enable her to put off making the kind of changes that would really help. This is something that has been on my mind lately as Ive seen new readers discover my bookJudgment Detoxand begin to lovingly witness their own judgment and heal it. Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. Example [ extreme] you have the right to use drugs because you think it makes you happy. As Lori Gordon writes, you might be a factor in their life that influences their experience, but you cannot take responsibility for their. Again, huge thanks for taking the time to reply to this question and for your caring response. 13 Small Decisions That Will Ease Anxiety. You feel like youre going to have a nervous breakdown when you hear about turbulent world events. Keep in mind, this is all before they even turned 80, so not talking about super-aged here. A recent review of over 200 studies indicated that therapy could cause personality changes relatively quickly, even in as little as 4-8 weeks. Healthy relationships depend on mutuality, and our life quality is much influenced by others. Sometimes sharing the pain in this new, differentiated way, which is not a jab or an attack in the heat of a fight, can still lead to a certain distance, coldness, or even a rupture. If you are worrying over a problem that actually could arise in the future, make a realistic plan and write it down. The main consequence of such a core belief is that it keeps you reactive in your intimate relationships. You're chosen a solid resource when it comes to CBT and working with a therapist can do wonders. Or books on this topic specifically? Everything you need to stay Gillihan, Seth: "Do People Really Change?". Its so cold in here. I wish he would understand how much I need some time alone right now.. I do what I can, in addition to taking her to doctors, paying all of her bills, orchestrating all of her care, etc etc etc, but in her mind, I don't spend enough time entertaining her, that's the issue. You may be causing some of your suffering. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? She knows nobody in this town after all of these years. Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you cant control. | I will go and borrow the book from my library today, that sounds great. Make her take responsibility for her own health. Oh my, your situation sounds a lot like mine. For example, Whether I lose weight or not, I am a worthwhile person who deserves love. Practice self-compassionbe kind to yourself by softening your judgment and treating yourself like your own best friend. The stories you tell yourself can take on a life of their own, becoming an unending source of anger, self-pity, anxiety, or just plain misery. Success is staying with them while they cry. The minute we take that on and begin to think we are is the minute we start to self-destruct little by little. We are supposed to be her entertainment committee as well as her sounding board for the chronic, non-stop complaints she vents 24/7. Hugs! You've got great insight and motivation -- two of the most important ingredients for making positive changes. It might even feel selfish NOT to intervene and take care of things. Skip to the front of the line by calling (888) 848-5724. In such symbiotic relationships, if one is hurting, the other must sympathize with that pain as proof for their love; if one is happy, the other should also be happy. Misery-Maker 2: Judging yourself in a harsh way. The National Domestic Violence Hotline online, Sleep Is a Spiritual Practice: 5 Spiritual Tools for Better Sleep. Instead, commit to being fully responsible for yourselffor your own thoughts, words, and actions. This question has been closed for answers. Mind if I turn up the heat? I need some alone time right now. Acting more assertive is thrilling, no matter how small the issue. I once worked with a symbiotic couple where it was clear that the husband could not deal with his wifes anger toward him, so he constantly belittled her pain by not listening or being sarcastic. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Feeling responsible for others happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We can't be responsible for our elderly parent's happiness. Find your own path. My SuperSoul Sessions Talk: The 5 Steps to Spiritual Surrender, Blogs Wouldnt it be wonderful to live from love, compassion, and ease instead of beating yourself up every day? And all the rest of the BS 24/7. I am the original poster and I would like to thank everyone for responding. We have a lifetime of habits built in, but that's all they are -- habits. How did it arrive in your hands? Self-acceptance is usually a positive thing, but not if you are using it as an excuse to avoid the work of necessary change. Youre not to blame for everything, but you are responsible for yourself. One you can do. Why do I feel responsible for everyone's feelings? Happiness is inside you, or it does not exist at all. Talking to your wife will, in my opinion, benefit both of you as you work through this. 1. You could try small experiments. I'm not saying he needs to announce what happens to the world, but I don't feel that asking for some sort of closure can be asking too much. I'm not sure though. Reviewed by Davia Sills. Whenever I face stressful situations and have to surmount numerous barriers, only my family thinks and worries about me. Trust in the power of your intentions and your prayer, and know that they are enough. One of the practices is a beautiful prayer that will help you release the desire to fix someone or be responsible for their happiness. And you're not responsible for his happiness or life satisfaction. You deserve to continue building a dynamic life with your husband and friends, and to develop your career. You might also like to check out my Living with Ease courseor visit mySelf-Care Shop. While you cant fix someone else or be responsible for their happiness, heres what you can do. Tweet: Theres a difference between loving and supporting someone and trying to fix their problems. In highly over-simplified soundbites, the Four Noble Truths can be summarized as follows: How might you possibly be harming yourself? You ask this question in the hopes that, once he really thinks about this, he will see that your role in this is very limited. Then ask yourself: Was I really responsible for what happened? Is it really my fault that he didnt ask me out again? Can I really control her drinking? Remind yourself that you can only really control your own behavior. Mental health is not hard . spirituality, Blogs Get an easy-to-understand breakdown of services and fees. Group therapy is great for this. Only stick around and engage with her when she's being nice to you. How to stop the misery: Instead of putting yourself down for your mistakes and failures, make the conscious decision to grow from them. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. It makes us tense, lacking in joy, and overcommitted, because we likely feel we need to fix everything as well. What beliefs feed that worry? We worry about others, and we blame ourselves for their unhappiness. People to sit quietly and hold space for us. I've personally wallowed in every one of the 10 Misery-Makers at some point in my life. 2010 - 2021 Sandra Pawula. When we invite spirit in through prayer we return to our right mind and find acceptance. She hates everybody and has no friends, even though she acts so lovey dovey to everyone's face. Dad is now in memory care and mom leans on me too much for emotional support. I don't want to take care of my mother anymore but I don't want to put her in a home. Maybe you'll find that you enjoy being in this relationship when you can be true to yourself, or maybe you'll discover that you want to live on your own again. You don't have to people-please and experience anxiety in order to care about your family. How much effort and energy will I have to invest in cheering them up or asking for forgiveness? Over time, such mental effort can lead you to start avoiding your partner, since you already have enough on your plate. Instead, find a way to hold on to yourself as your loved one is meeting their personal woes. Lynn Beisner writes about family, social justice issues, and the craziness of daily life. We, my children and I, never, EVER do enough for her. How can I be feeling this way?. After all, arent friends and loved ones supposed to support each other? Any suggestions? 4. We need more complexity and more depth. It doesnt have to mean that you endorse what theyre doing. You may present yourself in one way when you actually feel a different way underneath. Answer (1 of 6): No. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Feeling solely responsible for the happiness of others, no matter how well-intended, causes anxiety. You'll probably find this scenario quite common. Its shocking how cruel we can be to ourselves. The pressure to be responsible for my mother's happiness weighs heavily. Let's connect. You are not alone in this! I just need a few things to get you going. Eventually, they turn on you and make your life miserable, even cut it short. Live each day, and each day do something little for yourself. Pay attention to what youre thinking. When you feel the urge to be the fixer, follow the three steps I outline below. To make progress, I've used what I call the STOP process. Be kind to yourself. This process can lead you to a more aware partnership, which is less reactive and symbiotic and more authentic and differentiated. Even if they dont believe, there is a guidance that we believe in that we have to trust is protecting them and guiding them. It means living in alignment with the way the world is rather than according to a false belief likely planted in your mind as a child. No one has the right to emotionally abuse you. I can help you compare costs & services for FREE! I cried the other day because I bought steak to try and cheer him up and he decided to skip dinner. What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? trustworthy health. Well, I don't HAVE any friends! I know this one well. Finally, if someone you love does come to you asking for help, there are some resources you can share. Someone made you have to hone in on their feelings early in life, to stay safe..and you were trained to know if you do not make them feel better..you will somehow suffer..or be blamed or feel more pain. I'm living with a man right now, and I'm driving him crazy, because he says I don't "live" in the house with him. How to Stop the Misery: Notice when you blame yourself. You have to stop doing what you are doing that makes this her best option. If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, youll never enjoy the sunshine.Morris West. You dont need to feel guilty about a single one. I am so stressed from caring for my mom. Youll feel immediate relief. As I teach in Step 4 of my bookJudgment Detox: The most loving thing we can do for someone is to accept them. In fact, rejecting how you feel either the happiness or the guilt can be harmful, says Natasha Bailen, MA, a graduate student at Washington University in St. Louis. This does of course not help him nor me. 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So now let us examine the different steps you can take to soften the symbiotic reactivity of your intimate relationships and allow your partner to share their aching openly. All of her chronic worrying is caring, too, dontcha know? Spirit accepts what is true, which is that we are all love. I find her work in general very helpful for living peacefully with yourself. Start tuning into your actions. Answer: Dear Bewildered, I suggest you both read the Boundaries book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. How to Stop the Misery: Change it and you language to I language. This question has been closed for answers. Certainly, in any healthy relationship. Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! The minute a . Sometimes its easier to blame yourself for a problem than to accept that the situation was never within your control. The hard truth is that there was little, if anything, they could have done. It can be very difficult when you're going through what you are going through. With love, Sandra. After I got out on my own, that went away and I believe it was due to getting out of the depressed household of my parents. He's had the shit end of the stick, lost his mum, dad and brother within a few years, was abused by his sister . People with emotional instability who were in therapy benefited the most, increasing their ability to handle stressors and reduce inner turmoil. For example, you can learn to listen instead of interrupting. Reflect to examine if you hold a core belief that you are responsible for your partner's feelings, or that their pain is your responsibility, or that it is your responsibility to keep your partner happy at all times. Not something anyone can go to Amazon and just buy. You feel ashamed or fearful when you make a mistake. We believe the responsibility for others happiness rests on our shoulders. Ask yourself: Would I like to change? You can pray for them to have it be gentle when they hit bottom, and for them to receive very clear direction when it happens. A practice of gratitude is one of the easiest and most rewarding good habits you can develop. Tell her she is responsible for her own happiness. Leading a couch-potato life. Examples: I must be a dumb person to have made that mistake. I guess Ill never do anything right. Im such a moron!. Every one of us has experienced turning points in our lives. You're ahead of the game, too, in wanting to learn strategies on your own at the same time. Any suggestions? She had nine children, didn't want them to be friends with each other or have outside friends, infantilized her adult children and held grudges against them for their whole lives concerning events from their adolescence. She had one weapon our mothers never had though. And I've found it is a mistake to "keep the peace" in someone else's marriage. Is it? Thats not to say theyre not responsible for their actions or shouldnt be held accountable. What quiet "do it himself" activities are suitable and interesting for an older man with vascular dementia? 11 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 1 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Jumpstart Coaching Lab: Want to know the difference between success or failure as a financial professional? She nodded, "It was nearly my death." "We nearly lost you, we nearly lost you," Raven chimed. The weight will be lifted and youll be able to show up for your loved one AND yourself. But being uncaring is being selfish. Subscribe to Wild Arisings, twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas that will help you connect with and live from your truest self. Her tongue, unfortunately, is still as sharp as a razor and the ugliest thing I've ever had the displeasure to witness. Isthisrealyreal, she seems most content when I'm doing nothing but working and taking care of their business. What is the problem with holding a core belief of your pain = my responsibility? PostedAugust 22, 2019 My parents followed me all around the country until my ex got a job offer in NYC..that's when they moved to FL since they couldn't afford to live back East. Examples: There was a fiery crash on the interstate. Keep an open mind. It's time that we fix a flaw in our mental health model: its denial of personal responsibility. Give them the chance to experience exactly what they need to experience, and dont be afraid of it. You depend on all sorts of causes and conditions, just like a tree depends on a seed, water, and nutrients to grow. Children who are victims of abusive parents, for instance, often believe that if only they had done x, y, or z, their family would have been just fine. The fact is you can heal only your half of . You dont want to deprive somebody of their bottom. Its taken me years to understand why I feel such a guilt and responsibility towards my parents. Again, just notice thoughts to become more attuned to them. The other you simply cannot. Each person is responsible for his/her inner contentment and happiness. Well, fast-forward a decade and dad ends up with dementia and now is in a care home. The idea is to use the letters in STOP to remind you how to STOP your own self-caused suffering: S = See what you are doing to yourself. Just recognizing that you are hurting yourself is a big step forward. And for the most powerful antidote to social comparison, try this: gratitude. Things can always be worse. When you take responsibility for everyone and everything, wittingly or unwittingly, you can throw yourself into a cycle of anxiety, stress, and sometimes depression as well. She also felt inadequate because she couldnt solve her friends problems. I identify with this a lot, and it has come to the point where it is starting to cause problems in my relationship. Get out and spend time with friends and create your own positive environment which will also work to lessen the effects you feel from your mom's criticisms. sidebar I am working through a CBT workbook on anger and talking to my wife about this. Thank you for a great article. O = Brainstorm your Options and choose one to try.. How do I rise above my mother's insults and guilt trips, break out of this rut and get my life back?? I asked him how much he really wants to hear her from 1 (not really interested) to 10 (dying to hear her laments). A like-minded woman who empowers . That is something that a person has to work at for themselves. We simply cannot be responsible for another's happiness. It can be humbling to realize youre not responsible for everything. Children therefore believe that they have a larger impact on their parents' emotions and well-being then they actually do. You are responsible for only your happiness. Take a deep breath and focus in on actions and activities that will improve your life. Yes, I still feel responsible for my ex's happiness. Please stop. Im cold. This dynamic keeps the relationship poorly differentiated. She delivers workshops for all ages and provides online and in-person mental health education for youth. 0-3 If you have said 'yes' to less than three you are probably separated enough and do not have too many feelings of guilt or responsibility towards your parents' happiness. The child thinks, "If I can make my parents happy, I'll be happy as well and all will be peachy." Nope. Others arent always happy because thats just the way life is. You want to help them find the solution, make smart choices and see the light. If they start getting reactive, defensive, or aggressive, take a breath and/or break. How long can you go on feeling like you're responsible for their happiness (when you give up your own)? Grandmother looked deep into her granddaughter's eyes, "Bear has brought you here, so you can see all of us. I always have a dark cloud looming over my shoulder : ( When I was a teenager I suffered from depression. In closing, I offer this rephrasing: To each his own pain.. Over time, a sense of freedom will arise in the relationship, and you will feel freer to share what you feel. The above soooo describes me. Your family members are lucky to have you. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? But you are not the answer - with her personality and outlook on life, you could not make her happy so no point in futile trying. Have faith in other peoples guidance systems. If needed, you can always come back to this topic later. P = Practice. When you fall prey to the belief that youre responsible for everyone and everything, youre not respecting interdependence and the fluid, ever-changing nature of our world.